I'd like you meet my coworker here. Every night, since I started this job on December 1, he and I have sat together quietly. He doesn't say very much, of course, but it's nice to have the company in the wee hours of the morning. I will miss him when he moves along in a week or so.
I'm still loving my job as much as I did three weeks ago. and I love the quiet. Best of all, it has allowed me to finally learn to live in the present moment. Somewhere this past summer, I read that depression results from dwelling on the past, and that anxiety is always about the future. If we can just learn to live in the here and now, we'll instantly be better for it.
It's the idea of "mindfulness" -- being in the present moment and living it, instead of it getting past us because we're squinting to see forward or have our heads turned looking over our shoulder. It's possible to live one's entire life without actually living it.
I didn't know how to break out of this problem, but here I am, suddenly free. I applied for this job, thinking it was my idea, when once again it seems that I have simply found myself where I was supposed to be in the first place.
Sitting here in the dimness, I am acutely aware of the subtle sounds around me -- the two clocks ticking against each other in two separate rooms, the sound of my client's breathing, and the minuscule changes in it that signal she may be gradually waking up. Her radio is on in her bedroom, and every hour the Canadian Press shares what it feels is news. It's so ironic; because I work the overnight shift, I often have no clue what day it is, but I feel so much more in touch with each and every second contained within it.
The other lesson I've learned in the few short weeks I've been here is that I'm gradually shaking off my life-long tendency to procrastinate. Part of this is a direct result of being more "in the moment," but part of it is pure practicality. Because Hubby and I have completely different schedules now (except on the weekends, when we're both home), I actually have to plan ahead and make sure I get things done. Simple, everyday things, like laundry. Taking my shower and getting ready for work in time for Hubby to go to bed. The nuts and bolts of daily life.
But there is a bigger picture as well. As much as I would love to have this job for the next fifteen years -- because she's such a sweetheart and I'm so happy here -- the sad reality is that I will never know when my last shift will be. My dear client is ninety years old. And so I need to get my ducks in a row as soon as possible -- use this period of employment to figure out my life: what I need, what I want, and how I plan to get there. I have a black notebook on which I've glued a label that says G.M.S.T. (which stands for Getting My Sh*t Together), and I'm using it to plan, and think, and decide what I want to do.
Priority One right now is to put away six months' worth of bill payments, while I have a job. Ultimately, I think I still want to do what I set out to do when I started this web site years ago -- I want to use my creative talents to create the life I want to live. If I could be a self-supporting creative type person, who also teaches one or two courses, that would be great. And if Santa could bring me courage for Christmas, that would be great too, but for now I'll work with what I've got. :)
Tuesday, December 21, 2010
The Gift of Now
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4 comments:
I thought you wanted to be a rocket scientist / astronaut ??
I do still want to do a Masters of Science in Space Studies and then teach Space Studies at the local university. That and creative writing would be the "one or two courses" I'd like to teach. I'm a firm believer in human space exploration and sort of see myself as a "space evangelist" -- I want to fire imaginations and instill the same passion I have for the topic in up and coming generations.
As much as it kills me to say it, I'll likely never get to space, and if I do, it will be as a private astronaut as opposed to being part of the Canadian Space Agency. (I'm too old to start now, and I'm not science-minded enough. Math is my nemesis.) And in order to be a private astronaut (AKA "spaceflight participant," or the much reviled term "space tourist"), I'll need a lot more money than I currently have. Either that or Richard Branson and I are going to have to become BFFs. :)
This is a beautiful post, and you're so right about the past .. and the future. It's easier said than done, though. I really need to work on that too -- letting go of the past, and I won't use the hackneyed expression that today is a gift, that's why we call it the present :) Somewhere I heard that depression could be anger turned inwards and I believe that to be true too in many cases.
I'm glad you got that job ... it's really an opportunity to stop and think.
I'm looking forward to the little project ... All the best for Christmas!
Thank you for this thoughtful post. It does sound very much like you're in the right place at the right time, and the fact that you recognize it (at the time) is a bonus! I do try to pay attention to the little gifts that come my way every day, but my problem is not being mindful of the moment as much as getting lost in the moment -- if I don't have clear goals I will start to wander... which is very interesting, I'll admit, by not very productive. It sounds like you're using your time very well to plan ahead, so maybe setting achievable short-term goals is a useful byproduct of living in the moment? And those small steps toward taking charge of your life -- why that means you already have courage, don't you think, dear lion?
I think I need at G.M.S.T. notebook, too.
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