Yesterday was not a good day. Today is not a good day. Tomorrow is not going to be a good day. But hopefully by the end of the weekend, there will be a good day.
I am cleaning the house.
Oh, yes, you nod. I hate doing that too. Haven't touched mine all week.
Well, this is a little different. Have you ever seen the show Hoarders? Picture that, but without the dead cats or fecal matter, and you've pretty much got the situation happening over here.
For reasons I really don't want to get into here at this time, I get actual, text-book anxiety attacks when doing housework. I know that sounds like a punchline, or that I'm being sarcastic, but I really couldn't be more serious. My heart-rate spikes; I hyperventilate, shake, and occasionally pass out. At the sound of a vacuum cleaner, I can suffer from horrific flashbacks, and will often burst into uncontrollable sobs. You would never guess, to look at me, that all of this lies beneath the surface, but it's there and it's huge. And -- because all of this is not nearly as much fun as it sounds -- I avoid it at all costs.
And we're talking basically fifteen years of avoidance here. Think about that for a minute. Fifteen years of chronic disorganization, of doing just the basics (laundry, dishes, taking out the garbage, messes that need prompt action) and moving piles and boxes and Rubbermaid containers of things into one room in order to try to clean up another. Not letting anyone in the house. The crippling shame and anxiety when someone has to come in.
There are reasons for this mess-in-my-head/mess-in-my-house, but I don't want to get into them here. Intellectually, I understand it all perfectly. But it's not my intellect that's flipping out right now. You see, the FibreOp crew is coming on Monday to do Internet/cable installations in three rooms of the house and probably re-do the telephones throughout. They have to come in and they have to see the whole house. And it has to look normal.
Why am I telling you this? Because this thing of mine is an issue that's holding me back -- and it's not something I want in my new life. And I'm thinking that maybe if someone else sees this and they have the same problem, they might not feel so alone. And I'll be honest: I'm hoping for some moral support, because this is one of the most difficult things I've ever done -- to try to meet this issue head-on and all by myself. When terrible things happen to little children, they still grow up. And suddenly they're 41 years old, with big dirty secrets that no one would ever guess. I'm not looking for sympathy; it is what it is. But an encouraging word or two would help drown out some of the crap I'm hearing in my own head.
Thanks for listening. I have to get back to it. And I have to hit "Publish" now before I chicken out.
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PS -- No, the picture isn't me, and yes, I have the most patient, understanding husband ever. He's the only reason I'm able to tackle this at all -- so he can begin living a normal life in a normal house. With faster Internet.
8 comments:
You go girl! Kick some Dust Bunny Butt!( P.S them dust bunnies are scared of brooms and not just vacuums)
I feel your pain, K.J. I'm the same way...I don't think there's a cure other than "Just do it!"
Wendy
You go Girl !!!!! I can identify with what you are saying and have to do the very same thing in very short order. I moved an apartment into one or two rooms of Mom and Dad's house when I left my ex and now, many years later, I can hardly move in either of the two rooms I have claimed. I know you can conquer, just divide the dust bunnies(grin).
You're doing great! We all have our dark secrets and crap in our heads. And you're right, it is what it is. Go slay 'em!
Oh, KJ, I know your problem and I don't have any idea how to fix it, but know that I am holding you in my heart, thoughts and prayers that it will be easier this time. If I lived closer, I would help you tackle your job....and a job it is.
Even though you wouldn't want me to see, It wouldn't bother me or make me think any less of you. You go slay those dragons...I know you can do it.;.. BIG HUGS....
I want self cleaning floors and wall, countertops, well just everything!!!
Hi honey... Its ok... you can do it. Don't let your past determine who you are today. You have the control!~!
I HATE vacuuming and avoid it like the plague. But I love a clean house. My husband doesn't mind vacuuming, but he doesn't SEE dirt. He will live in filth for months and then do a huge clean-up. He even wears a mask when he cleans, and then expects a standing ovation when he's done.
About your terror/phobia/anxiety, I can relate. I've been going through sheer panic this week over work/freelance projects ("I can't do it. I'm not good enough. This is all going to end in disaster."). The only thing that helped me get to sleep the other night was a quote I read on the internet: Don't take yourself so seriously. No one else does.
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