This mid-life crisis thing.

So.

It's been almost five months since that fateful night at 3 AM, when -- while working as the overnight caregiver for a 91-year-old lady -- I decided it was time to quit my job, rent a studio space, and try to make a creative living before it was too late.

I have learned a lot in the last five months.  I have also learned that I'm on the edge of something -- a completely different Self.

When I was a teenager, I was pretty much the poster child for adolescent angst, and I would often joke that I was having a mid-life crisis.  Yes, even at 12!  Well, I'm pretty sure I've found the real deal at 41.  Or has it found me?  I'm not quite sure.

I've always been highly sensitive, often spending so much time trying to figure out the insides that I don't notice that there are outsides, and that's not something that has changed a great deal as I've gotten older.  (I hesitate to say "grown up," because I think I'm still waiting for that part.)  The only thing is that I've finally learned to recognize when I'm getting too "internally swirly;" I make myself go for a walk and interact with life outside my own head and heart.

I've learned a lot in the last five months.  I've learned that I'm a creative type who needs at least some structure and routine, or else I try to do so many things at once that I can't make any decisions and nothing really gets done.  I've learned that just because I can come up with really fantastic ideas, I'm not necessarily the one with the right skill set (or comfort level) to carry them out.  I've learned that I can get by on very little "spending money."  (I was never really one to shop for the sake of shopping anyway, unless you count books.  Ohhhhhh, books!)  And I've learned that , despite the fact that I have only had my driver's licence for not quite six years, I feel a bit stranded now that I no longer have a (working) car of my own.  (In truth, this last one is making me a little squirrely.)

The photograph was taken a few days ago, at Stevens Beach.  It was very close to high tide (which is a pretty big deal here on the Bay of Fundy), and I wanted to see if it was still coming in or had begun to ebb.  So I planted my toes just at the edge of where the waves seemed to reach and I waited a few minutes.  Hubby and Piper explored the beach and played fetch, and I just stood there essentially playing chicken with the highest tides in the world.  Shortly after I took this photo (and my feet got wet!), I decided it was time to concede defeat.

That's what I do, you see.  I have a tendency to stay put somewhere - whether it's due to complacency, inertia, or a fear of the unknown -- until I absolutely have no choice but to move.  This "flying leap off a cliff" and into a creative life hasn't been easy -- not in the least.  I'm still experiencing quite a number of growing pains.  But the happiness I'm discovering along the way  is outweighing the stress and doubts that bubble up (sometimes violently) from time to time.  Ultimately, I think it's all going to be okay.

Eventually.