Slaying the Dust-Demons.

Yesterday was not a good day.  Today is not a good day.  Tomorrow is not going to be a good day.  But hopefully by the end of the weekend, there will be a good day.

I am cleaning the house.

Oh, yes, you nod.  I hate doing that too.  Haven't touched mine all week.

Well, this is a little different.  Have you ever seen the show Hoarders?  Picture that, but without the dead cats or fecal matter, and you've pretty much got the situation happening over here.

For reasons I really don't want to get into here at this time, I get actual, text-book anxiety attacks when doing housework.  I know that sounds like a punchline, or that I'm being sarcastic, but I really couldn't be more serious.  My heart-rate spikes; I hyperventilate, shake, and occasionally pass out.  At the sound of a vacuum cleaner, I can suffer from horrific flashbacks, and will often burst into uncontrollable sobs.  You would never guess, to look at me, that all of this lies beneath the surface, but it's there and it's huge.  And -- because all of this is not nearly as much fun as it sounds --  I avoid it at all costs.

And we're talking basically fifteen years of avoidance here.  Think about that for a minute.  Fifteen years of chronic disorganization, of doing just the basics (laundry, dishes, taking out the garbage, messes that need prompt action) and moving piles and boxes and Rubbermaid containers of things into one room in order to try to clean up another.  Not letting anyone in the house.  The crippling shame and anxiety when someone has to come in.

There are reasons for this mess-in-my-head/mess-in-my-house, but I don't want to get into them here.  Intellectually, I understand it all perfectly.  But it's not my intellect that's flipping out right now.  You see, the FibreOp crew is coming on Monday to do Internet/cable installations in three rooms of the house and probably re-do the telephones throughout.  They have to come in and they have to see the whole house.  And it has to look normal.

Why am I telling you this?  Because this thing of mine is an issue that's holding me back -- and it's not something I want in my new life.  And I'm thinking that maybe if someone else sees this and they have the same problem, they might not feel so alone.  And I'll be honest: I'm hoping for some moral support, because this is one of the most difficult things I've ever done -- to try to meet this issue head-on and all by myself.  When terrible things happen to little children, they still grow up.  And suddenly they're 41 years old, with big dirty secrets that no one would ever guess.  I'm not looking for sympathy; it is what it is.  But an encouraging word or two would help drown out some of the crap I'm hearing in my own head.

Thanks for listening.  I have to get back to it.  And I have to hit "Publish" now before I chicken out.

*     *     *

PS -- No, the picture isn't me, and yes, I have the most patient, understanding husband ever.  He's the only reason I'm able to tackle this at all -- so he can begin living a normal life in a normal house.  With faster Internet.

Taking a break.

Just finished my stats assignment that has to be passed in before I leave campus, and I’m doing a reading assignment for Space Studies. My brain is a little slow-moving at the moment, so I thought I’d take a little break and say hello.

What I love most about taking courses in Spring Session is that it’s nice and sunny out and I’m in top form. (No Seasonal Affective Disorder affecting me now!) What I hate most about taking courses in Spring Session is that it’s nice and sunny out. (You saw that coming, right?)

I haven’t really accomplished much in the house other than making a list of what logically needs to be done first. Getting over being sick last week took a few days. Even when we were away on the weekend, I wasn’t quite up to snuff. But I’m feeling much better now.

The desire to head home right now is overwhelming. Once my stats assignment is passed in, there’s really no reason why I have to stay here, except that I know for a fact that if I go home, I’ll get absolutely no schoolwork done. People laugh at me when they see me ensconced here in the university library foyer, but the truth is, unless I sit here, I get nothing done. And you know what they say — knowing is half the battle.

Example of trying to outsmart myself: keeping my laptop in my bag until the stats assignment was finished. I’m just like a little kid looking for a way out of doing her homework.

Okay, back to work. I’m not allowing myself to leave until I get that Space Studies assignment done. So there.

First things first …

I’m expecting to have a little breathing room this week. Regular classes at the high school where I teach are over for the year, and the kids are writing exams. I usually don’t get a lot of work during exam time, and I might even be finished teaching for the year. (I never really know when it’s over until it’s, well, over.) That just leaves me with the university courses in the schedule, and my stats classes have been cancelled for this week as my prof is away. I still have a lot of studying and assignments to do, but that’s a couple of blocks of time on the calendar that have been freed up.

So … I’m planning. If I have a plan, things go well. If I don’t have a plan, I wind up playing The Sims 2 for eight-hour stretches. (No, I am not exaggerating. Ask Hubby.)

One of the first things I really need to do is to get this office of mine cleaned out and up, and turn it into a functional space. I have yet to decide if I’m going to post “before” and “after” pictures, but let’s just say it’s really hard to be efficient and creative in here the way it is now. I’ll need to work on it for about two solid days, without much interruption, because as soon as I lose my focus, the Procrastination Fairy takes over.

So I’m making up my list, and going from there. One of the things I want in My Created Life is a house that feels like a home. Warm and cozy, with the added benefit of letting people in without fear they’ll tell Oprah on me.

And once the house is under control, and the office is a space I can actually work in, it’ll be a whole lot of head clutter out of the way, too.

My goal date for having the house cleaned up and a happy place is June 30. Please hold me to it.