Breaking the silence of imperfection.

"My Created Life is on hiatus for approximately one week.
See you again in early March!"

For the past seven weeks, that image has been taking the space of my blog.  My face, my voice, my presence -- that's been it.  And I haven't actually written a blog post since February 5.

I've been receiving the occasional tentative email ("Are you okay?!") because it's just not like me to go this long without writing something.  But there have been huge life changes since March 1, and when I shifted the blog to a new server, I wanted it to be brand-spankin' new!  Gorgeous!  Spectacular!  I wanted it to fully represent me and all my weird and wonderful facets!  I wanted to design the whole thing myself!  And I wanted it to be PERFECT.

And that, you see, was the problem.  I was paralyzed by fear of not being able to produce perfection.  And days turned into weeks, and weeks have somehow turned into nearly two months.  Two months of silence.  Of essentially being gagged by myself.

*   *   *

It's been three years since I first launched My Created Life, with the idea of "using what I have within to become who I want to be."  The destination has shifted a couple of times, but I never really got going.  Because I was scared -- of not being good enough.

But really and truly, it's time now.  I turned 41 in early March, and partway through February, during one of those quiet night shifts, I said to the Universe, "If I could find an office space -- not too expensive -- with heat, lights, Internet, and a bathroom, I'd go for it.  I'd take the flying leap."

The next day the Universe presented me with just that in the form of a Facebook status update from a friend.  So I gave my notice at work, rented the space the Universe had handed me with a big red bow, and now I have a studio where I write and create and dream.  I love my little studio, and I love the people who surround me.  But it has taken me almost two months to get this blog back online (because I was scared it wouldn't be good enough), and I still haven't gotten my Etsy shop up and running (because I'm scared my stuff won't be good enough).

Logically I know that people won't ridicule me.  No one is going to throw a virtual rotten egg, and no one will say, "Look at this crap KJ has made.  Who the hell does she think she is?"  But there are voices in my head from a long time ago, and my gut believes them even if my brain doesn't.

So I'm taking a big step here, folks.  I'm going to let you see that I'm imperfect.   I'm going to just put the blog back up as a complete mess because I can't find my old template and I still haven't created a new one I like yet.  Because I'm not going to be silenced by Fear any longer.  Those shrieky voices in my head can go back to their source, and anyone with unsolicited, unnecessary criticism can bite my ass.

Welcome back to My Created Life -- and to my happy little mid-life crisis.

I'm back, baby. :)